Sometimes it’s the little things that can drive you the craziest – like which way to install the toilet paper roll.
Growing up, I knew only one system: the toilet paper roll had to go in with the first new square sticking out from the bottom. I knew this because, if ever I forgot, and did it wrong – well, from the way my dad carried on, you’d think America was on the verge of losing the Cold War.
Then I grew up and married someone who was just as adamant that it must go the other way: the new sheet must fall gently from the top, over the rest of the roll. Any other way was not merely undesirable – it was backwards, and wrong.
“It’s obvious!” my husband exclaimed. “Any other way and you have the whole weight of a new roll sitting on the part you’re trying to pull. Who would do that?”
“Only your father-in-law,” I answered. “Why don’t you go break the news to him? I’ll wait here in the fall-out shelter.”
I tried to honor the local customs of each, but it was tiresome. My worst moments came with one brand that glued the first square so that it looked like it went one way, but which, once installed and pulled free of the glue, turned out to go the other. I can only imagine the overtime they put in at Psychopath Labs, coming up with that.
What got to me was that neither of these two men in my life ever said, “This is my preference.” No, each was rock solid that his was the one true way. I have met religious zealots who suffered from more doubt.
And yet, few other domestic options are so capricious. It’s not as if either choice had any objective basis — not like ketchup on eggs, which is just plain wrong.
To be sure, there are other issues which can rend families asunder. For example, my teenager has informed me that, according to some etiquette rule I’ve never heard of, one must pass the salt and pepper shakers together whenever anyone asks for either one.
“Well, that’s just plain ridiculous,” I protested. “Nobody ever wants the pepper.”
“Then why is it out there?” he countered.
“Hmmm. Good question. Come to think of it, I bet that rule was made up in self-defense by someone who couldn’t tell the difference between them – and didn’t care if everyone else ended up with pepper on their potatoes.”
“I’ve got another one for you, mom. Did you know that some people don’t have to rinse the dishes before putting them in the dishwasher?” This is what comes of letting children visit their friends.
“Well, maybe some people have better dishwashers than we do. Which reminds me, please make sure you separate the spoons before you turn it on.”
So many issues, so little sense! For example, some people pour milk first into their coffee mug, instead of starting with coffee. They say that that way it mixes itself and saves a spoon – but it’s a sad waste of coffee when you inevitably pour too much milk, and it all cools too fast, and you have to start over with another cup.
“Here’s one for you, now,” I tell my family. “You need to use a knife on the jelly first, and then the peanut butter, or else you have to give the peanut butter a knife of its own.”
“Why is that, Mom?”
“So people with peanut allergies can eat our jelly.”
“Mom, nobody with a peanut allergy would set foot in this house. They’d be dead before they’d been here for ten minutes.”
Sadly, I confess this might be true.
“Aha!” said my husband. “I’ve thought of one. What about corn on the cob? Which way do you eat it ? Horizontally, end to end? Or vertically around the circle?”
“Horizontally, of course,” said one boy. “Everybody does that.”
I don’t,” said his brother.
They turned to me for the tie-breaking vote. But I no longer do either one. Thanks to expensive dental work, I no longer trust my teeth on such an important mission, and must now cut the kernels off the cob completely.
Still, nothing is as arbitrary – or capricious – as a person’s toilet paper roll preference. Let’s just hope everyone in a family can agree. Otherwise, it’s back to tearing pages out of the Sears catalogue – which everyone knows must be done from front to back.
