In a startling election-year decision, Marvin Natiss, the mayor of my hometown of North Hills, announced last week, that from now on, his administration would be monitoring our dog’s “bathroom habits”
Before you cut me off, I must tell you that I’ve lived on the sophisticated, cultured and classy North Shore of Long Island for 45 years, and I have never seen an elected official go so far out of his way for his constituents and their four-legged friends, as our mayor did last week.
Thanks to Mayor Natiss, it is now a crime in North Hills, if any resident does not “promptly” clean up after their pets.
Even if your beloved Fido leaves his trail of poop on his own property, you are now required to immediately jump into action and restore your own residence to its original pristine condition.
My first reaction to the new “Natiss Law” was that our police must have more important things to do than to keep an eye on our dogie’s dodo. I have personally witnessed serious crimes being committed in our village.
Many of them have remained unsolved for many years due to a lack of police manpower.
For example, last year three unnamed gardeners started their lawnmowers at 7:56, well before the legal 8:00 a.m. starting time.
In 2012, five residents were seen placing their recyclables in receptacles other than the prescribed orange containers. As far as I know, these cases still remain unsolved. To ask our “men in blue” to monitor our pet’s “pooping habits”, when they could be out fighting serious crimes in North Hills is really unconscionable.
Undeterred by his friends and family’s concern for him, the mayor released his new set of guidelines anyway.
1 – The new law mandates that every detained “poop-suspect” must be read their Miranda rights first. He reminded us that all perpetrators are considered innocent until proven guilty in a court of law.
And most important to all you civil libertarians,
2 – Handcuffs, tasers, pepper spray, bulletproof vests and our nationally known swat team would only be used if the perpetrators are repeat offenders.
A hearing has not been set to determine the penalty phase. However, here are some of my neighbor’s brilliant suggestions:
1 – “Any illegal housekeeper caught violating this law, will not be deported if she voted for Obama. She can still stay here indefinitely, receive free healthcare and her kids can still attend the Roslyn schools.
This was suggested by numerous members of the North Hills Liberal Party.
2 – “Since this is just another example of police brutality and racial profiling, the arrested resident or their hired dog-walking accomplices, should be encouraged to fight the charges all the way up to the Supreme Court.”
This was suggested by every member of the North Hills chapter of the ACLU.
3 – “The EPA should conduct a door-to-door environmental study to asses the damage done during the years that fido’s feces were not removed. The entire town of North Hills should be immediately evacuated and closed off, until it is certified by the EPA that it is completely safe for us to return.”
This was suggested by two members of the Great Neck Reform Democrats, who still feel that everyone could benefit from their expert advise.
4 – “Since poop is a major cause of global warning, every dog, should be required to wear a designer doggie-diaper, preferably ones sold by Hermes or Michael Koors. All other brands must have prior authorization. These diapers are still optional for home bound pets.
This was suggested by 3 members of PETA. ( if you never heard of PETA consider yourself lucky!!)
5 – “A recent study indicates that many of our residents are those typical corporate executive types. The Obama Administration has been warning us about these people. Wouldn’t it make sense to take these pets away from these overpaid, disgusting, self centered, corporation CEOs and find a better home for FiFi?
This can be easily accomplished by building a beautiful doggie high-rise condo right next door to the village hall. Then, when we go to pay our tax bill, we can finally see an example of our well spent tax dollars.
This was suggested by a anonymous resident who is a proud founding member of “Occupy Wall Street”. He doesn’t want anyone to know about his two million dollar condo in Gracewood.
6 – “We should contact the National Security Administration to see if their eavesdropping has uncovered any dangerous Conservative or Tea Party resident who is planning to disobey this new law. Then we could stop them before they can carry out their dastardly plot.
This was suggested by the only resident in North Hills who still admits that he voted for Obama twice.
7 – “This new law totally ignores the feelings and sensitivity of the dogs themselves. It’s not their fault ! Post-traumatic stress disorders are quite common in dogs who have been subject to such humiliation. Lifetime therapy, behavior modification and anxiety medication should be provided for every Maltese in our town”.
This was suggested by a member of the Animal Right’s League .
8 – Another neighbor of mine presented some interesting sentencing guidelines, which would prevent any recidivism:
– ”First time offenders must attend every village board meeting for the next 5 years “ (please note that if your own condo board meetings are as equally exciting, they can be substituted instead.) However, with a explanatory note from your psychiatrist, you can send your housekeeper, nanny, or personal chef in your place).
– “Second time offenders must do community service by cleaning up after the mounted police horses in next year’s Memorial Day Parade.
And finally ,
– ”if you haven’t learned your lesson and you are a three time loser, my concerned friend from “The Links” volunteered to pay for a free, all expense paid weekend with Debbie-Wasserman-Schultz”. If that doesn’t stop this behavior, nothing will.
This new law will shock many residents (and their pets) when they return home from the Hamptons.
However, they will find out soon enough that it will result in a lower unemployment rate because most of these 1 percenters will hire someone else to clean it up for them. You didn’t think we would clean it up ourselves? Did you?
Dr. Stephen Morris
North Hills
