Recently, I was trapped in a waiting room with an article about “The Internet of Things.”
Apparently, some people actually want to rig up an IP address for every single appliance in your house, and hitch them all up to the internet.
It will be great, they say. Never again will you have to remember to put “Milk” on your shopping list. Instead, your fridge will simply dial up (or whatever the right phrase would be for something with no dial – and no hands) and order more, when it senses that you’ve run out.
I want to know how it will sense that. Will it look?
More importantly, will it smell when the milk is still there, but shouldn’t be, because it has turned? That would be useful. Or, will it know when someone has drained the container except for the last two drops, and put it back in the fridge instead of tossing it?
I want a buzzer, and handcuffs, for that: “You are under arrest for Fraudulent Milk Return.”
I don’t really need my refrigerator to order milk, unless it’s also going to get more bread to go with it, and some cold-cuts, but sliced thicker than that, please, so the slices don’t come apart in people’s hands when they try to make lunch. And apples! Any fool can say “apples.” But it’s not so easy to find apples that haven’t been dropped on the floor and replaced in the display.
How am I supposed to talk to a refrigerator, anyway? What if I want to tell it “We’re going away for vacation, so don’t order anything”?
Will that require a webinar or will I need the Geek Squad to come over? I can’t even get the TV to switch back to the cable after we’ve viewed a DVD on it, so I can’t imagine this Wired New World will work out well for me.
The lights in the waiting room flickered, and that reminded me: The experts also promise we will be able to remotely control thermostats; air conditioners; and every light bulb in the house. I’ll be able to control my appliances remotely from anywhere in the world. But why would I want to?
Shall I turn on the microwave, say, from a distant airport? Is it not enough to toss a bag of popcorn into it once I get home? Or shall I turn on the TV in the middle of the night to scare the bejeezus out of the house-sitter who has fallen asleep on the couch?
There is one thing I would like. I’d like to know when anyone in my immediate family has left the toilet seat up; and then I’d like to give them a little shock – just as a reminder to put the thing down when you are living with people. That would be worth it. .
Not only will we have all the appliances wired to the Web. They will also talk with each other.
I can hear them already. The dining room lights are in a snit, refusing to believe the refrigerator. “She told us she needed us night and day! What do you mean, she’s going away for a while? Why would she tell you something like that, and not us? She wouldn’t leave us in the dark!”
“You think that’s bad, she hasn’t washed dishes since last Sunday,” says the dishwasher.
“And don’t even get us started! There’s a winter’s worth of sheets and towels waiting down here,” chime in the washer and dryer from the basement. “Thank goodness we pushed the dehumidifier to ‘high.’”
The house of the future will have appliances anticipating your every need, from when to warm up the bedrooms to when to start the car (a half-hour after you’ve said you’re on your way).
It could be something like having a butler – except you can fire your butler. But in a world where phones, and grids, and appliances are all smart, where does that leave me?
I’ll ask the television, “What’s on TV tonight? Please show me the channels.”
And the house will reply, “I am sorry, Judy, but you have requested an illegal function.
We are already recording your favorite show. No other programs have been selected.
Besides, watching television at this time of night would require an override of the bedtime thermostat settings, by the System Administrator, who is not available.
No other options are available. Good night!”
