The New Year is upon us, and there’s an important question I must ask you:
Have you written your Chuck-It List?
No, not Bucket List. Chuck-It list.
What’s the difference, you ask?
A “bucket list” is a list of things you want to do before you “kick the bucket.”
A Chuck-it list, on the other hand, is a list of goals you’ve tried and failed to accomplish, and which you would now like to chuck…perhaps into that bucket. For example, take my perennial New Year’s List, which I might as well laminate to the back of the bathroom mirror for all the good it’s ever done me:
1. Eat less.
2. Exercise more.
3. Spend less money.
4. Save more.
5. Clean up the clutter….
Take “Eat less.” This is the sort of goal that only occurs to people right after a meal. The closer you get to the next meal, the less likely a goal it begins to seem. Eat less? Are you kidding? I could eat a horse right this minute, hooves and all. Get out of my sight before I decide that you look edible, too!
So much for that goal.
So here is my first “chuck-it” list:
Uncomfortable shoes! This means high heels, of course, but also every fashionable shoe I ever jammed my foot into, in the misguided attempt to look “sexy.”
Because I succeeded … if by “sexy” you mean being laid up on the sofa for weeks, shuffling from house to car to destination, wearing bedroom slippers, because all I really achieved, instead, was painfully swollen feet.
Mascara. I have never yet succeeded at putting this stuff on without some type of catastrophe. Usually, I stick the wand in my eye, but sometimes I also leave lash-prints on my cheeks. I don’t know how this is even possible, but it happens. For special occasions, I drop the entire wand onto my dress. To prevent that, I have taken to wearing stalker-quality raincoats while applying make-up, which only guarantees that I will have sweat rolling down the inside of my bra before I have even left the house.
Changing into a smaller purse for the night. Yes, I carry around a behemoth-size bag, one any hobo would be proud to live out of. My hostesses probably suspect I’m planning to “boost” a bottle of scotch in it, wrapped in a napkin. But fancy evening bags were built for the days before cell phones, when no woman drove her own car or needed anything more than a little “mad money” and lipstick.
Besides, every time I change purses, for any occasion, it is guaranteed to mess me up both coming and going for days thereafter. I routinely forget to transfer something essential, whether it’s my cell phone; my keys; or the ticket getting me into whatever I’ve dressed up for. On the transfer back, I lose track of lipstick; comb; driver’s license… I only just found the sunglasses I left in a bag last summer. Well, you can’t have enough of those… apparently.
Balancing my checkbook. I once spent most of a weekend trying to balance my checkbook. I passed up two movies and a dinner out, determined to find the discrepancy. I went back through every transaction for more than a year: every checkbook register, every cancelled check; and every bank statement. At various times I was up by tens of dollars, or down by hundreds, but at the end of the trail, I was still out… by 35 cents. Thirty-five cents which I figured should have been in my account, but weren’t.
I never did find that discrepancy, and I wasted a weekend for nothing, because it doesn’t matter. So what if your version of facts disagrees with the bank’s? Whose version do you think you’ll be using? The bank’s, of course. Now I go straight to their version, and save us all a lot of time.
Christmas cards. Sorry, dear friends, and relatives, I love hearing from you and I sincerely wish I could reciprocate, but after years and years of buying the cards and still having piles of them on the dining room table, waiting to be addressed, in the middle of March, I have to admit – it isn’t happening. It isn’t EVER happening. Know that I love and miss you, but I can’t afford the guilt. I’m going to Chuck it, and let this be my way of wishing you all Happy Holidays and a Healthy and Happy New Year!
